The Gift and the Giver

God is dealing with me about keeping my eyes on him for my provision. I’ll need to give you the back story to get me, so please bear with me.

I’ve always wanted a bursary (cause wow postgraduate module prices guys). Problem is, bursaries in Theological studies are as scarce as ants in winter. This meant I was limited to apply for the bursary my institution offers to all students of any faculty. But when I started my first qualification with the university, I couldn’t apply for this bursary in the first year because I had done my undergraduate qualification with a different institution.

Going into my second year, I was optimistic as I applied for the bursary and hopeful that I’d be able to take on more modules without worrying about the funds. I didn’t even get a response to my application. So that meant leaving the most expensive module to do in my third year, where I also applied for the bursary and was ghosted.

I had lost all trust in the bursary department and wouldn’t be able to afford fees for masters so I had resolved I’d put it on hold until I saved enough money. That was before one of my lecturers, now my supervisor, convinced me that I’d get the bursary to continue with my studies because I’m black, female (she should have added 'and gifted' haha). But (there was always a but!) I could only apply in my second year after I passed my research proposal module. 

So going into my second year this year, I was eager to apply for the bursary. It came with its own struggles of course. My department had not captured my first year results so I had no proof that I had indeed passed. I literally had to attach the email my supervisor sent me congratulating me to my application. By God’s doing, my application was successful and I was elated! My registration fee was paid and I only had to put in a claim of how much I’d need to cover all my research activity costs. I submitted all the necessary documents, they were captured and so I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

I didn’t want to put a halt on my research activities so I continued, funding them myself and incurring debt along the way. But I had no worries because I knew my claim was coming so it didn’t matter how much I spent, right? Well that was until I realized that, like the emotionally abusive boyfriend the bursary department is, it had ghosted me yet again. I sent so many emails I lost count. From friendly “wondering if there are any developments” to desperate pleas (which are really humiliating to be honest). I reached out to other students and found that I was not alone. But I didn’t feel comforted by that fact, the only thing that would comfort me was money in my account!!!

My eyes were now set on the bursary department because well that’s how my provision was to come, right? But God convicted me that, in the process, I had removed my eyes from the source and focused on the resource.  I had seen no need to really trust him to provide my needs because I was convinced that he’d meet them through the department. I believed that he made it possible for me to have the bursary so what was the issue? I had shifted my focus from the giver of the gift to the gift. 

This reminded me of God providing for Elijah’s needs. Earlier this year, I taught about how God purposefully chose unreliable methods to provide for Elijah. 

“Then the word of the Lord came to Elijah: ‘Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan. You will drink from the brook and I have ordered the ravens to feed you there.’ So he did what the Lord had told him. He went to the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan, and stayed there. The ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning and bread and meat in the evening, and he drank from the brook.” 1 Kings 17:2-6

I looked into what ravens eat and found that meat is number one on their list. This meant the ravens could have easily helped themselves to Elijah’s meal. So Elijah couldn’t trust them, but had to keep his trust in God that his meals would come to him every morning and evening untouched.

To prove that God wanted Elijah to consistently trust him and not the ways he chose to provide for him, when the brook dried God says:

“Go at once to Zarephath of Sidon and stay there. I have commanded a widow in that place to supply you with food.” 1 Kings 17:9

Widows aren’t exactly known to be charitable towards others, they are the ones who seek charity from others. This particular widow was on her last meal and sure she’d die (what a great pick God!)

So I’m learning. Some days are better than others. Some days I want to pray fire over the bursary department building, but most days I’m peacefully trusting God to meet my needs. If he was able to bring me this far without bursaries, he can surely do it again. But that doesn’t mean I’m backing down. When the widow told Elijah she had nothing to give him he insisted because he believed God wouldn’t lie. So I’ll insist, but from a place of trust and rest, not a place of anxiety and fear.

"Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness." 2 Corinthians 9:10

Update: God came through! My claim was processed! Won't He do it?!