Birth Order
I’m the first of three girls. There’s Sindisiwe, born eight years after me and Aphelele born four years after her. I love my sisters and would kill for them (but don't tell them). We have a weird but wonderful relationship. Sindi is the lovey dovey touchy-feeling sister who's also a loner at the same time. She's the one to stay behind with on weekends because she wont bother you, except by calling you annoying nicknames. She's stubborn but she listens when you're (really) mad at her. She's the one to tell secrets to and to ask prayers from. The one to talk serious family business with.
Aphe is the carefree hippy. She's is the one to travel with, she sings along to all the songs on the radio and chats up a storm (until you feed her and she falls asleep). She has no secrets and can't tell lies. She loooves talking and laughing and (I hate to admit) gives the best bear hugs. She's the one who understands and tolerates my dry humor.
While in high school, I came across a short article about birth order that struck me. I don’t easily believe these findings about things that influence our personalities but this one took me because of how accurate it was. Before then, I never considered that my personality and behaviour was influenced by the fact that I came first. I enjoyed the findings (so much so I’ve kept it all these years) because they affirmed me, they spoke well of me. It claimed first born children are achievers (check), over-responsible (to my own dismay, check), reliable (yep), well-behaved (*giggles* of course), careful (extremely) and smaller versions of their parents (unfortunately).
I can’t lie, it feels good to hear such great things about myself. But the older I get, I’m learning about the other side of the birth order coin. The other column that I didn’t really pay attention to, the weaknesses associated with coming first. We first-borns seek approval, dominate, and are perfectionists. Oh and we can also be quite selfish. These are awful things to learn about oneself, but they must be admitted if they are to be dealt with. These past few months, I’ve mostly seen how these traits negatively affect how I relate with people.
Parents set really high expectations for first or only children (now that I really consider my name, Gugulethu “our treasure”) and this translates in those kids seeking approval from people in authority in everything they do. It also means they take disappointing their parents/authorities particularly hard. When this need for approval is unmonitored, it can lead to a great deal of people pleasing. This is now when you agree to doing things, not because you want to or enjoy them, but because you want to please the next person. I’ve had to learn to say no, and to say yes for the right reasons. I’ve learnt to voice out my opinion, even when it is different from my authorities. I’m learning to be confident and comfortable in the decisions I make without them first being verified. I’m still learning how to want things for myself, that is, to want them because I want them, not because they are wanted for me or because everyone else around me wants them.
I’m a born leader, by birth order and calling, so I tend to dominate. I easily override what my sisters want to get for dinner and manipulate them into getting what I want. I only enjoy things when they go my way, the way I planned and envisioned it (and boy does life not care what I planned.) And this is a horrible trait to have in any relationship because you hardly ever give the people around you room to voice their opinions and thoughts. You never allow yourself to be lead and to enjoy things different to your taste. It’s so important to value the inputs of others, you need the different perspective, it improves your life, makes it well rounded. This too I’m still learning.
Then there’s the perfectionism. I can’t easily trust people with tasks because of it. As a leader, you have to delegate. For a long time I hogged over work because I couldn’t risk having it done any other way than the way I wanted it. I’m better at this one now. I let those who work with and under me work freely and actually appreciate them because it means less work for me. And at times, their different way of doing things actually turns out just fine.
I hate to admit just how selfish I can be. I lived seven full years with just my parents. I wasn’t spoilt, my parents practised Proverbs 22:15 but I knew that everything was mine. It was hard learning to share once my sister came along. In fact I had such a hard time dealing with how different things were, I wrote a letter accusing my parents of neglecting me and loving the ‘new baby’ more. Silly attention seeker I was. It’s not as bad anymore but I still see selfishness rearing its ugly head from time to time. I’m still no fan of sharing. And get this, I do not mind giving or getting you your own, I’ll go the extra mile to make sure you also have your own, I’ll sleep on the floor and let you have the bed instead of sharing the bed. Yep, it’s that bad. And I’m working on it, with much prayer and calling myself to order.
So I thought that age of self-discovery had passed, but I did half the job in my teenage years because I only discovered my strengths. Adulting is showing me my weaknesses. But Jesus is showing me that it’s not too late to change, in fact, knowing what is wrong, makes it easier to fix it. In fact, learning these things about myself made me realize that I’m not as ready as I thought I was for the next phase of my life and I’m actually grateful getting the chance to work on these issues now. So I’m twenty something and still under construction, sure I’ve made good progress, but I still have a long way to go.
“Not that I have I already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me” Philippians 3:12.
Aphe is the carefree hippy. She's is the one to travel with, she sings along to all the songs on the radio and chats up a storm (until you feed her and she falls asleep). She has no secrets and can't tell lies. She loooves talking and laughing and (I hate to admit) gives the best bear hugs. She's the one who understands and tolerates my dry humor.
While in high school, I came across a short article about birth order that struck me. I don’t easily believe these findings about things that influence our personalities but this one took me because of how accurate it was. Before then, I never considered that my personality and behaviour was influenced by the fact that I came first. I enjoyed the findings (so much so I’ve kept it all these years) because they affirmed me, they spoke well of me. It claimed first born children are achievers (check), over-responsible (to my own dismay, check), reliable (yep), well-behaved (*giggles* of course), careful (extremely) and smaller versions of their parents (unfortunately).
I can’t lie, it feels good to hear such great things about myself. But the older I get, I’m learning about the other side of the birth order coin. The other column that I didn’t really pay attention to, the weaknesses associated with coming first. We first-borns seek approval, dominate, and are perfectionists. Oh and we can also be quite selfish. These are awful things to learn about oneself, but they must be admitted if they are to be dealt with. These past few months, I’ve mostly seen how these traits negatively affect how I relate with people.
 |
| Then |
Parents set really high expectations for first or only children (now that I really consider my name, Gugulethu “our treasure”) and this translates in those kids seeking approval from people in authority in everything they do. It also means they take disappointing their parents/authorities particularly hard. When this need for approval is unmonitored, it can lead to a great deal of people pleasing. This is now when you agree to doing things, not because you want to or enjoy them, but because you want to please the next person. I’ve had to learn to say no, and to say yes for the right reasons. I’ve learnt to voice out my opinion, even when it is different from my authorities. I’m learning to be confident and comfortable in the decisions I make without them first being verified. I’m still learning how to want things for myself, that is, to want them because I want them, not because they are wanted for me or because everyone else around me wants them.
I’m a born leader, by birth order and calling, so I tend to dominate. I easily override what my sisters want to get for dinner and manipulate them into getting what I want. I only enjoy things when they go my way, the way I planned and envisioned it (and boy does life not care what I planned.) And this is a horrible trait to have in any relationship because you hardly ever give the people around you room to voice their opinions and thoughts. You never allow yourself to be lead and to enjoy things different to your taste. It’s so important to value the inputs of others, you need the different perspective, it improves your life, makes it well rounded. This too I’m still learning.
Then there’s the perfectionism. I can’t easily trust people with tasks because of it. As a leader, you have to delegate. For a long time I hogged over work because I couldn’t risk having it done any other way than the way I wanted it. I’m better at this one now. I let those who work with and under me work freely and actually appreciate them because it means less work for me. And at times, their different way of doing things actually turns out just fine.
I hate to admit just how selfish I can be. I lived seven full years with just my parents. I wasn’t spoilt, my parents practised Proverbs 22:15 but I knew that everything was mine. It was hard learning to share once my sister came along. In fact I had such a hard time dealing with how different things were, I wrote a letter accusing my parents of neglecting me and loving the ‘new baby’ more. Silly attention seeker I was. It’s not as bad anymore but I still see selfishness rearing its ugly head from time to time. I’m still no fan of sharing. And get this, I do not mind giving or getting you your own, I’ll go the extra mile to make sure you also have your own, I’ll sleep on the floor and let you have the bed instead of sharing the bed. Yep, it’s that bad. And I’m working on it, with much prayer and calling myself to order.
 |
| Now |
So I thought that age of self-discovery had passed, but I did half the job in my teenage years because I only discovered my strengths. Adulting is showing me my weaknesses. But Jesus is showing me that it’s not too late to change, in fact, knowing what is wrong, makes it easier to fix it. In fact, learning these things about myself made me realize that I’m not as ready as I thought I was for the next phase of my life and I’m actually grateful getting the chance to work on these issues now. So I’m twenty something and still under construction, sure I’ve made good progress, but I still have a long way to go.
“Not that I have I already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me” Philippians 3:12.
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