Thoughts and Other Things

Celebrating birthdays used to be about milestones for me... 16, 21, 30… and of course the crown birthday. But this year has taught me that the celebration should not just be about the number, but about the victories of the year. Others will think of achievements as these victories…finishing school, buying a house or car, finding a job… It is that too. But for me, this year, these victories were about making it out in one piece. It’s on that note that I’ll be celebrating New Year ’s Eve tonight, not because this was the year of completion or all those lovely catch phrases that we attached to it, but simply because I’m still standing…and it’s only because He made a way. This year left me with a scar, literally. Looking back at it, I realized that more than learning this year, I’ve had to do a lot of unlearning, and I’m not close to perfection. I said the other day that one word that best describes my year would have to be ‘trust’. This because in this year, I have had to learn to

I was pondering about the use of hair conditioner. As you know by now, I’ve been dedicated to loving and taking care of my natural hair for the past two years now. Conditioner is applied after shampooing your hair and before moisturizing it. Conditioner for hair is similar to what a toner is for your face. It’s an in-between stage which determines the success or effectiveness of the next. Now a conditioner’s purpose is to, well, condition the hair follicle. It strengthens it, preventing hair from breaking and preparing it to be moisturized. I pondered about this because of the season I’m in in my life, this blurry, in-between season. I say blurry because at this point I have the ‘what’ but I really have no clue how and when. My goal is visible, but the details aren’t so clear. I’m hoping this only last for my twenties, so I’ve called this stage the blurry twenties. What makes things blurry is the fact that in between where you are and where you want to be, life happens. And w

I’m probably the last person to watch Wonder Woman. I meant to go to the Cinema but there always seems to be more important things to do with one’s money. So I waited until I could hire it out. And when it arrived, there were many of us, so it was always out. But I got my hands on in this past weekend and I absolutely loved it. Besides the fact that I developed a girl crush on Diana (she is soooooo beautiful, maybe it has to do with the fact that Gal was pregnant during filming), I loved the story line. I’m not a fan of Greek mythology or anything but there is some truth I gleaned near the end of the film. Throughout the film, Diana is obsessed with finding and killing the god of war Ares, believing that once he’s destroyed, the war (depicted to be World War I) will end. It takes a lot of fighting and time to find Ares, but when she does, she fights him hard with all she’s got. It is then that she learns that war and evil will always persist as long as humans decide to resort to v

I cry about almost anything. If my tears were collected, I’m sure it would have brought up Cape Town’s dam levels by now. So when I read about the shooting at the Baptist Sutherland Springs church in Texas on Monday, I cried. I couldn’t grasp the amount of pain that that little church was going through. I immediately knew that my tears alone wouldn’t change anything, a tweet wouldn’t make much of a difference, I had to pray. But what should I say? Where do I begin when eight members of one family, including a pregnant woman and an eighteen-month old, have been senselessly gunned down. What do you say to God when twenty six people lose their lives because of a young man who didn’t like his mother-in-law? I know some will actually blame God, they’ll ask Him where He was (as if God is not omnipresent). Their reasoning being that the church is His, He should have protected them. Others will escape the questions in their hearts and minds by resolving that it must have been God’s will f

You know that awesome feeling when someone puts to words a feeling you’ve been struggling to articulate? Joyce Meyer did that for me lately. She was talking about self-doubt. She said sometimes our doubt in God is really not about God because we know He can do all things, but our struggle is believing that God would do it for me. It made so much sense. We are sometimes our worst enemies simply because we know absolutely everything about ourselves. The dark thoughts we harbour, the bad we do when (we think) no one’s watching. When we take all of that, and come to God, we can’t fully understand how He can get past it in order to do us good. There’s this song (Indescribable) that gets me every time with these words “You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same, you are amazing God.” Like it’s so amazing that God can do that, cause we only allow people to see the good of our hearts, the surface, that way they can accept us, they can see us normal enough to love and tolerate

I’ve been backing up and going through my notebook and reminding myself of things God said. This because I realised its importance in keeping afloat when waters get rough. You see the temptation is great to focus on the waters when they change on you and in doing so one easily forgets what was said. I looked at the story of Jesus and His disciples and a storm. “That day when evening came, he said to his disciples. “Let us go over to the other side.” Mark 4:35 This was the word, the instruction, the desired outcome of the journey; the other side. And it would prove important during the journey to remember this. “A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.” Mark 4:37-40 Two

Its okay to be the only one who understands why you want what you want, why you did what you did Its okay to be the only one who grasps why something or someone means so much to you Its okay to be the only one who gets it Who gets what you feel in the moment that you're feeling it It is okay It does not mean you are less loved It doesnt not mean that you are wrong Or they None has to be wrong One just has to know what it was and is while the other only got to watch and hear So that makes it okay Okay to not try explaining it anymore Okay to console yourself Okay to remember and feel the pain all over again Okay to wipe those tears away with your own hands Its healing Its okay to rock yourself to sleep Okay to repeat His Word in your head, praying it sinks through Because its True He gets it Without going through it He knows it And He knows how hard it is and how hard you're trying Best of all, He knows you'll make it So keep trying because one da

Juggling work, school and home is not for the weak fam.  I thought I had it all together but the marks proved me otherwise. I’m still learning to balance, prioritize and budget my time. But I realized that as hectic as it can get, it doesn’t get completely overwhelming because I enjoy what I do and study. So yay to pursuing your passion. An assignment got me thinking. I had to write an essay about the assumptions of two different research approaches. I was bothered by the word ‘assumption’. Why not facts, because assumptions are things accepted as true but without any actual proof. If we are being scientific and theological and scholarly and stuff, shouldn’t we work with facts rather? I realized that there were a lot of assumptions going around on a daily basis, and as much as the assumptions in my assignment were quiet harmless, assumptions in daily life can cause havoc. Last night my mom went to bed on peanut butter and bread. I only find out today when I told her to e

I generally think if I had been more prepared for life’s setbacks, I would have been less frustrated when I experienced them. What was emphasized when I was in high school was having a dream, having goals, knowing what you wanted to do. And as much as that is important, it’s half the truth. A setback is defined as something that happens that delays or prevents a process from developing. A setback can be a problem you encounter, a mistake, a complication, a disappointment, an interruption, or a failure. Setbacks aren’t planned, but they happen anyway. But why? Well because the devil is an enemy of anything that’s good because good is what God is. He knows very well that every good gift is from God, so he makes it his job to interrupt all that is good. Setbacks have the potential to completely halt (ruin) your life, but thing is, you determine the strength of each setback. They are only permanent if I let them be. Whether they only delay me or they completely prevent me is totally

I’m the first of three girls. There’s Sindisiwe, born eight years after me and Aphelele born four years after her. I love my sisters and would kill for them (but don't tell them). We have a weird but wonderful relationship. Sindi is the lovey dovey touchy-feeling sister who's also a loner at the same time. She's the one to stay behind with on weekends because she wont bother you, except by calling you annoying nicknames. She's stubborn but she listens when you're (really) mad at her. She's the one to tell secrets to and to ask prayers from. The one to talk serious family business with. Aphe is the carefree hippy. She's is the one to travel with, she sings along to all the songs on the radio and chats up a storm (until you feed her and she falls asleep). She has no secrets and can't tell lies. She loooves talking and laughing and (I hate to admit) gives the best bear hugs. She's the one who understands and tolerates my dry humor. While in high scho

I was throwing a tantrum the other day. Well the adult version of it (it involves crying, complaining and just being mad at the world). I was so tired of having to fight and loose the same battle over and over again. I felt stuck in one place in my life. Resorting to reading my Bible, I thought God would give me a good word to comfort me. Instead of that, God called me to order. And the Scripture He used to do it made me hang my head in shame. The kids in our kids’ ministry can effortlessly recite the verse, and here was their pastor being schooled on it. It reminded me that you can’t cheat with God. You won’t be pushed through to the next grade having not passed the current and learnt all the lessons. I realized me being stuck had nothing to do with God but everything to do with me. He was not being slow or delaying in granting me my heart’s desires, but I was the one not learning and changing therefore allowing myself to be ready to receive that which my heart desires. I aga

I’m still very much on the women’s month tip, so I’m relooking into female characters of the Bible. I was reading through Luke 8 and was struck by the sharp contrast between the two women it deals with near its end. We have the twelve year old dying girl, and the woman who’s been bleeding non-stop for twelve years. I’ve always read of these two women, but never reading their story side by side. The twelve year old girl is introduced to us by her father Jairus, who was a synagogue ruler. Firstly, the girl has someone, her sweet daddy, who was pleading with Jesus on her behalf. We know that she’s his only daughter, so she is daddy’s little princess and he wants absolutely no harm to befall her. Secondly, her dad is a man of power, a religious ruler of high status in that day, so she probably had rights and privileges, including an unearned honour and respect from the town’s people. We can tell by the amount of people that filled the house by the time Jesus got there. We later in the c

In amazement and admiration he asks: ‘What is your wonder, oh woman? And where does it is stay? What makes you so beautiful, so remarkable, so, so rare, so similar yet so unfamiliar.’ She tells him: ‘Look not for it in my figure, you will not find it. Do not search for it in my fine clothes, it is not there. Nor is it in my eyes, my hair or my bottom; No, not in my stride, my smile or my bossom. Look further, jula . It dwells not on the surface, but is hidden deep within me; Like a diamond buried deep within the belly of the earth, So is my wonder. You’ll have to spend yourself to get to it; your strength and your time; not your wealth ( bhut’ blesser ). And when you reach it, when you’ve broken through the façade of ‘I’m fine,’ and gotten through the whirlwind of emotions, when you’ve dug through the frailties and insecurities; There will you find it, like a pearl shelled and nested at the bed of the ocean, there will you see my unfading beauty. There will you lear

This journey with God is one for the books (and blogs). You will think you know it all and something happens to remind you that at no point of your life can you do without Him. I sat with an assignment for a whole two weeks. I had written nothing but the question on my answering script, and not a word of the 5000 word essay I was supposed to submit. The more the days went, the more frustrated I became. I couldn’t understand why the material I was provided with didn’t give any answers to the questions I was asked. I read and re-read the articles and book extracts. Nothing. For two weeks. I was five-to calling the lecturer when things took a turn. I had again tried looking into it all afternoon, at some point taking a break and trying to sleep, then getting back to it, still nothing. I then did something I am still in awe of myself for not having done all along. I whispered out a cry: “God, help me”. I didn’t put much thought into it until I was scrolling through an article and saw t

I recently bought an adult coloring book (emphasis on ‘adult’). I’d been hearing how relaxing coloring is and how many adults had turned to it to relieve stress and remain calm. I’ve came across a handful of coloring pages in many magazines but have always refuted the thought of picking up some color pencils and following suit. My argument: “I’m not a kid, and I’m not stressed.” This was until I came across ‘The Word in Color’ at CUM Books. I made sure no one was looking as I lifted up the really beautiful coloring book and read its back. “The Word in Color is a coloring book for adults filled with uplifting Scripture verses for creative relaxation and blissful reflection on the Word. Take a break from the everyday hustle amd bustle and find encouragement and peace of mind in The Word in Color.” Reading this, I knew this was for me. Not only did I love the creative way it offered to meditate on God’s Word but it would also help me deal with my anxieties (and boy are they many). I’

These past few weeks I’ve had to relearn about processes. I thought I could bypass the process of recovery because I didn’t want to get behind on anything, but I learnt the hard (painful) way that you can’t cut corners with such a process. In fact, by trying to bypass processes, you risk hindering or complicating them. Each stage of a process is important if the desired outcome is to be reached. Regardless of how uncomfortable the stage might be, it must be endured in order for the process to be complete; for as much you are going through a process, the process is going through (working in) you. All this made me think about the process we go through in order to be that which God has called us to be. When God calls us to a relationship with Him, He points out what He’d like us to be, which is what He’ll make us to be because no one comes to God already it. This making requires a process, for to make is not an overnight business. The intimidating thing about listening to God telling yo

I hate public facilities (I’m a snob like that). So I was not really pleased with my doctor when he said I should meet him at the nearby public hospital instead of his consultation rooms in a different town. He was saving me the toil of driving (and petrol) but it was really hard appreciating it as I sat on a bench squeezed in between an old lady with a knitting kit that was almost on my lap and another big lady with a bad cough. I moved from one station to another until I got to my final destination, yet another bench in front of the doctor’s room. There were only a few of us on this one so I could at least breathe, thank God. I said my greetings and took a seat next to a young girl who looked a few years my junior. I kept to myself as I whined and complained in my head. I had my phone out, texting and working. I started hearing strained moaning. I told myself to mind my own business. Then came the sniffling. I could no longer act invisible. I put my phone away and took tissues from

I’ve come to fully understand the concept of deliverance. I guess in my head, I’ve always thought it to be synonymous to protection, but it’s not. Both concepts speak of God divinely intervening in one’s life, but the intervention is at different times. Protection is before, it is being kept from experiencing something. Deliverance is during, it is being taken out of something that one was already experiencing. For a long time I’ve enjoyed God’s protection, and I still do. Hedged in like Job, disaster not coming near my tent like in Psalm 91. But I’ve also come to learn the need to experience God’s deliverance. Truth is, I can’t learn all there is to God’s power, and all there is to the faith He has given me if I’m safely hidden in the nest all the time. Threats will need to come, they’ll push me out of my comfort zone, and there, on the water, I will learn about the greatness of my God. I’ve been meditating on Psalm 34. I spent a long time on each section, reading, listening, and

One thing I’m enjoying most about my studies right now, is how with each subject I treat, I’m encouraged to have my own say. With my degree, it was all about studying the given subject as others have defined it. All I had to do was express my understanding of what others had said. But now, after thoroughly going through all there is on the market, I have to introduce my own product to the market. Of course I have to take into consideration what others have come forth with through years of study, but at the end, I’m given room to come to my own conclusions, to agree or disagree, to add or to take away. I love the freedom. This got me thinking that this is exactly how life works. Life should be lived on your own terms. But that shouldn’t mean you don’t consider existing terms, and it doesn’t mean you know it all, but it means you have the freedom to choose your own terms because you know what will work for you, well at least you think you do. Allow me to pick on a Scripture. Matthew