One Word Description: Trust

Celebrating birthdays used to be about milestones for me... 16, 21, 30… and of course the crown birthday. But this year has taught me that the celebration should not just be about the number, but about the victories of the year. Others will think of achievements as these victories…finishing school, buying a house or car, finding a job… It is that too. But for me, this year, these victories were about making it out in one piece. It’s on that note that I’ll be celebrating New Year ’s Eve tonight, not because this was the year of completion or all those lovely catch phrases that we attached to it, but simply because I’m still standing…and it’s only because He made a way.

This year left me with a scar, literally. Looking back at it, I realized that more than learning this year, I’ve had to do a lot of unlearning, and I’m not close to perfection. I said the other day that one word that best describes my year would have to be ‘trust’. This because in this year, I have had to learn to trust God more than I ever have and at the same time unlearn putting trust in my own abilities and relying on others. And you cannot learn about trusting God without learning about His faithfulness.

My family has been a fantastic support system to me in my time of need, but I learnt that there is only so much they could do. My battle wasn’t only in the physical, but majorly in my mind; and as much as they could come through for me to make sure I was comfortable bodily, I had much fighting to do on my own. And it’s at this point where you release people from overbearing expectations, where you can clearly tell who should play the role; loved ones, self or God (remember that last poem I posted?). In fighting on my own, I realized just how much I needed to trust God. ‘Cause while fighting, I realized that the war was bigger than me, I couldn’t rely on my own capabilities, I needed help from One greater than I and every other human I know.

I fell and rose in trusting Him, I’m just glad He never got tired of me. Some days I totally had Philippians 4:8 in the works. My thoughts centered on the finished work of the cross, I refused being anxious and prayed whenever feelings of doubt arose. But some days I’d be in tears because my worst fears were manifesting, I only thought of what that meant and what would come next. I’d see the end. But He has been so faithful, waiting for me to get up every time.

I experienced 2 Timothy 2:13 which says “If we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself.”

That’s what I’ve come out with this year, that Jesus is worth my trust, He’s trustworthy. Not because of anything I can do for Him, but simply because of His character, who He is. He can’t go against Himself and forsake me when He promised me that He’d always be with me till the end of the age. He sticks around, even when I don’t really believe it, because He always, always stays true to who He is, and that’s what makes Him God. I have come to relearn that I have absolutely no reason to reserve my trust, to doubt Him, to think there’s anything that I come across that He can’t handle.

All of this changed my perspective of my scar, so I penned down these few words.

My obsession was to get rid of you,

All oils that could make you disappear I bought.

I applied viciously and repeatedly, more than instructed,

Because I wanted you gone,

The memory you represent faded away,

The diagnosis that you stood for erased.

Until He opened up my eyes to what you really represented.

Scar, you are not a pained memory, but a witness that I went to battle and returned, you are my spoil.

You are not a sign of weakness, but a testimony that My God, the Mighty Warrior, is stronger.

You are not a limitation, but a reminder that the devil has been defeated.

You oh scar, are a jewel on my crown, a sign of the strength of my faith.

So I will not grieve you,  but celebrate you and what you really stand for; 

evidence of the faithfulness of my way-making Savior.