(Not) A Rock [A Poem]

-


I’m told I’m supposed to be imbokodo – a rock.
A rock that you can strike,
Because when you do it won’t break, right?
I won’t crack under the force of your fist,
I won’t be shattered by the sting of your brutal words,
I won’t take offense at your sweet words and hungry look towards her,
I won’t be overwhelmed by the implications of your absence as I stare at the faces that are your spitting image, right?

So I tried.
I tried to cover up the black and blue marks your anger left behind on my face.
I tried to forget and correct the spillage of your words in my heart.
I tried to play your part and carried the home on my shoulders.
I repeatedly tried to erase the image of your body forcefully entering mine.
I really tried to undermine the purpose of my existence, to live ignoring my passion and aspirations.
I tried to be as strong as you said I should be.

I tried over and over again, but failed each time.
I broke down in tears on every occasion because
My body couldn’t take it, it was supressed by its own infirmities.
My mind couldn’t cope, it was still wrestling my insecurities.
My heart failed, it was loaded beyond capacity.
So my spirit grew faint.
Because I am not a rock.

I am a bone, a bone of your bones.
I crack under pressure,
I break when your strike me,
I am as weak as the side I was taken from.

But there is a Rock.
Only hidden under it am I strong,
Only standing on it am I unshakable,
Only through it am I unbreakable.
So stop telling me I am a rock and lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.
That rock when you strike gushes water in my dessert places.
The rock of ages, beyond time yet with me in my times, even that time of the month.
The rock in whom I find refuge when trouble raids.

‘Who is the rock except our God?’
I am no rock,
You only call me one because you failed to lead me to the rock that is higher than both you and I.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Very First Time

-
Image
I remember the first time I rode a bicycle - I was nervous but excited. Dad would hold my bicycle so I wouldn’t fall. I was so scared that I made sure that he did not to let go, but somehow, when I was paying more attention on my footwork and road ahead, I noticed that he wasn’t there anymore. I looked back and saw that he was no longer holding me. My heart begun pounding - I knew that since he let go the potential of me falling off and getting injured was greater. I felt safe with dad near, but now he had let go.  But I didn’t fall (at least not that day). I got the hang of riding a bicycle, but my dad had to let go and let me be on my own so I could learn.  Growing up I didn’t mind being surrounded by people, whether my family or people at my church because I felt comforted knowing that I was not alone and that I wouldn’t ‘fall’ because someone was always around to hold me up. This made me very dependent. As a last born (the treasure of the family if I might add), when the time came
Read more

Unravelling Disappointment

-
Image
One thing you’re sure to come across in this adulting journey is disappointment. God recently helped me understand how I (often) end up disappointed and I’d like to unpack it to save you some further heartbreak too.   I don’t think I need to explain what disappointment is. If you’re old enough to read this, I’m pretty sure you’ve experienced it on more than one occasion. However, for the purpose of the understanding God gave me, we’ll define it. Simply put, disappointment is a feeling of sadness caused by expectations going unfulfilled. If unmet expectations are the root of disappointment, we must consider what informs our expectations to deal with said disappointment.   “As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the maker of all things.” Ecclesiastes 11:5   If we are to escape disappointment, we must acknowledge the limitation of our knowledge. This is because what we know is what inform
Read more

Not Yet

-
Image
 I recently came across a post with an intriguing question: how can you tell the difference between when God says ‘no’ and when he says ‘not yet’? This question flows from the popular saying that God’s response to prayer is either yes, no or not yet. I suppose, in the moment, you can’t, unless He clearly articulates it like he does to Paul when He makes it clear that He will not remove the thorn in Paul’s flesh. In most cases, however, we only know after the fact. It’s only when we look back at what we thought was rejection that we realize that it’s not that it wasn’t meant for us, it just wasn’t meant for us in that season of our lives. I’m pretty sure Joseph was gutted to be forgotten when he clearly made his case to be remembered and freed. “’ But when all goes well with you, remember me and show me kindness; mention me to Pharaoh and get me out of this prison. For I was forcibly carried off from the land of the Hebrews, and even here I have done nothing to deserve being put in a du
Read more