Before You Do: Unpacking Premarital Counselling

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I’m an advocate for premarital counselling because I believe prevention is better than cure. If we can identify common errors that result in troubled marriages, why not address them from the start rather than wait for something to go wrong first?

I enjoy getting people married but over the years I’ve grown a concern and desire to also help them stay married. One way which this can be achieved is through premarital counselling which also simultaneously lays a foundation for marital counselling which should continue throughout the life span of the marriage.

This post is intended to shed some light on premarital counselling (referred to as PMC from here onwards), bringing understanding what it is and what it is not.

Prevention

The one purpose of PMC is prevention. This does not refer to preventing problems, that would be impossible. PMC does not fail-proof your marriage, it only assists in identifying red flags which might result in major marital problems.

Here are a few common red flags:
šŸš© Misconceptions about marriage, gender roles, etc. resulting in unrealistic expectations.
I’ve been saying: if you’re marrying just to have someone to cook for you and do your laundry, get a maid, not a wife. There should be a mutual understanding of what marriage is, what it means and what it demands from each party if the marriage will have a chance at success.
šŸš© Marriage being approached as a solution.
Some people marry because they struggle with lust or because of an unplanned pregnancy.  This is a wrong approach to marriage because it idolizes marriage, giving it too much credit than is due. Marriage will not fix your issues for you, that's God’s job.
šŸš© Poor financial planning.
It’s important to know each other’s financial status (income, debts, spending habits etc.) This because, whether you marry in community of property or not, you will be affected by how your spouse manages his/her monies. It also must be resolved how finances will be handled once married.

Preparation

The other purpose of PMC is preparing people for marriage. Just like how an athlete trains for a race, people need to be trained in order to better handle the challenges that lie ahead. This is achieved through providing information, creating awareness and teaching.

Some people are unaware about some legal aspects of marriage, especially laws developed in recent years. PMC sessions then become a platform to provide such information. It offers guidance pertaining to practical issues of day-to-day living such as the issue of children (having them or not, the use of birth control and which kind, infertility, adoption, child-rearing approaches, children outside of the union etc.)
In Christian PMC, teaching of biblical guidelines for marriage is also an important part of the process (my personal favourite).

"Premarital Counselling does not

fail-proof your marriage."


PMC also assesses readiness for marriage and stimulates effective communication skills. The premarital counsellor can also assist the couple in planning the marriage celebration (wedding).

Participating in PMC obviously has a number of benefits amongst which is confidence in the decision taken to marry. Sure, the usual ‘cold feet’ are acceptable, but going ahead with doubts and concerns is not advisable. It is actually not uncommon for couples to decide to delay the marriage process or call the engagement off during PMC.

With this knowledge, I trust you have a better understanding of PMC and will consider it when your time comes to get hitched. Even better, you can gift an engaged couple with a few PMC sessions (with their consent of course). Here’s to more happily ever afters!

PS: I offer premarital counselling and marriage officiating services. Visit Knotted by Gusquare for more info.

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." Ephesians 5:31

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