When you're wronged

Not to long ago my pastor preached an insanely amazing sermon addressing why blood was needed where sin was committed. In one of his points, he explained why it is difficult for us to forgive. He said that because we are like God, it is difficult for us to forgive where no restitution has been made (see Leviticus 24:17-21). He went on to say 'but there is a problem because man does not have the ability to produce a restitution valuable enough, equivalent to the pain they've caused, hence God calls us to forgive on the basis of the restitution made by His Son's blood, to forgive because we're forgiven.'

Like every sermon, it sounded great hearing it, but the crappy part was actually doing it, and this week was just about that. We had our annual kids  camp this week and having organized it for the 5th time this year, I was confident about all my plans and arrangements. So when we arrived at this year's campsite I expected everything to be as arranged no stress. To my surprise one major factor of our arrangement was compromised. I was greatly displeased and so I confronted  the responsible person. Anyone who knows me well knows I hate confrontations, and that when I have no way to avoid it, I make sure they are as peaceful as possible. And so I thought it went well because no voices were raised and we came to a conclusion that would work for everyone (keyword: so I thought).
What happened next I did not see  coming.

Generally, the people I've worked with over the years are professional and differences in opinion are handled with professionalism and a general sense of being adults. Never in my mind had I thought I'd have to watch someone humiliate me in front of the people I lead. I felt like I was being stripped naked in broad daylight, being accused of things I never said or did, being told how 'clueless' I was about things because of my age/appearance. I was dumbstruck at first, then offended, then hurt. Being lied about really hurts, taking blame for ruining things for everyone worse.

I had to put my feelings aside and think for the kids, although I wanted nothing more than to run home to mother and cry till my voice failed. So I put up a straight face, apologized for something I never did and went on with everything as planned. But I had not forgiven them for what they had done, nor was I planning on doing it any time soon.
When the one who wronged me decided to apologize a day before we left, I was so angry. Angry because the people who had watched him make a fool of me weren't here to hear it, angry because now I really could no longer delay forgiving, although I felt that this apology was insufficient. It is then that I remembered that sermon. This man couldn't do more than apologize. Even if he apologized in front of a crowd, I would still feel wronged. He didn't have restitution for the damage he caused, he couldn't undo what was done, and he definitely couldn't make me 'unfeel' what I had felt. So I had to nod my head and accept this weak apology and trust God for the rest.

Forgiving doesn't mean it will stop hurting, it doesn't mean you'll stop thinking about it, it doesn't mean that what happened is undone. But it does mean letting go, it does mean exercising your faith against your will and emotions, it does mean letting God heal you and eventually touch the other when they see your conduct. Forgiveness is beyond us without Christ, forgiveness tests my claim that I follow him, forgiveness is only for the Christ-like.