Thoughts and Other Things

Everyone is reviewing their year today so I'm gonna join in the fun. This year has been loooooong! So long I can't remember 2014, it's all a blur cause it's so far from now. I can't even remember January 2015. It was so long and so much happened in it. I lost people close to me. Learnt about the depth of the bond I share with believers under my care, it runs so deep. I realized that death is that one thing that's part of life but that we never get used to. No matter how old the person was, how well lived their life was, it's still hurts like hell to lose them, even more so when they're young and had their whole life ahead of them. I worked on my relationships this year, having learnt that they don't take care of themselves. Just didn't make any new ones (I suck at making friends). But I gained a bigger readership on my blog, that counts rights? And I'm so grateful for that, at times I'd think no one cared to read, then I'd get a...

There's a short story I've been fascinated with ever since coming across it. Maybe you've heard of it before. It's the story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done. There couldn't be more truth in five paragraphs. It's speaks so much truth about the society we live in where no one is accountable for anything or anyone yet we feel the right to judge and be upset. We're live in a "it's not my place" society; always excusing ourselves from taking action simply because it's someone else' job, even though we're capable of doin...

Yesterday we had a men's service. The things spoken were explosive. While listening, I wondered why things were the way they were when it came to gender. I was bothered by how it's almost impossible to praise one gender without seemingly devaluing the other. Why does one have to be praised at the expense of another? Why when addressing one you have to simultaneously mention the other so it doesn't seem you don't appreciate it? The only answer I could think of is insecurities or a low self esteem as a result of little understanding of self. Women should be able to absorb all truth about men without feeling that it has a demeaning reflection on them, the same with men; it's not a competition. Both genders exist to compliment each another, not compete with one another. I came across a phrase not to long ago that said something along the lines of: women shouldn't strive to do everything a man can do because they can do everything a man can't do. Simple but pow...

A few weeks ago, I explored the issue of God sending one back. This is when you find yourself in a tight spot and find a quick escape only to have God stop you in your tracks and send you back. As you can imagine, it can be a very frustrating experience, but also a very necessary one. I studied Hagar, Sarai's maidservant, in Genesis 16. We read that Sarai was unable to have children, and as a custom of that time, gave Hagar to Abram to have children through her. Abram complied and Hagar conceived. That's when trouble broke loose. The Bible says when Hagar knew she was pregnant she began despising Sarai. I was always quick to judge Hagar for her behavior whenever I read this portion, but this time I had a better understanding of her. She was an Egyptian, a foreigner in the land of Canaan, an outcast. On top of that, she was a slave meaning she was someone elses property, unable to exercise her will. You then understand why she reacted the way she did when she finally had a van...

Hello. It's me. I've been wondering if after all this time you'd like me to write you. Lol, hi guys. It's been a while huh. I've been tied up with work, among other things. And so we're in the last mile of 2015, can you believe it? Not that it was short or anything (this year has been a drag for me) but alot has happened and things have changed.  That's the wonder of this life...everything looks the same when you're busy living day to day, but when you look back, you realize how so many things have changed. For me, change (the positive kind) came when I changed the way I think. You're probably aware of how powerful your thoughts are and how important it is to think right, but knowing something doesn't mean you use it; that was me. The first Christian book I ever read was Joyce Meyer's Battlefield Of The Mind. I understood it well and felt very empowered after reading it. Then I packed it up in my bookshelf and went on living. It's lat...

Passion is stupid. It doesn't care how much you'll get paid, doesn't ask how many hours you'll have to work, doesn't bother who'll take note and applaud and doesn't concern itself with the risks. Passion only cares about the butterflies in your stomach, the sparkle in your eye and 'unmanipulatable' feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment that meets the end of each task. My father is one to always question my passion-driven ventures. I was ecstatic when I went to collect the documents I'd need for registering marriages from the Home Affairs department. It was a Monday, and I was having a very blue one, but it immediately turned yellow, pink and orange when I was told my exam results. I was jubilant, smiling like I was high walking through town. Once home, I was dancing like king David (only with all my clothes on) when daddy dearest attempted bursting my bubble. "So how much are you going to be paid for officiating a marriage?" I knew ...

I cut my hair a week before my new year. Not really a resolution, rather a build up of frustration from dealing with a transitioning mane. I hadn't used chemicals or heat on my hair for three months and I was starting to feel the heat (excuse the pun). My hair consisted of two textures and handling both was like trying to get water and oil to blend. So I jumped, I had my bc (big chop) - naturalists have their own vocabulary. I have what some will call 'steel wool' hair. It doesn't grow easily and it's as hard as rock when you try to comb it. All my mom knew to do with it was add chemicals to make it manageable, all my dad knew to do was chop it off...hence I look like a boy in a majority of my childhood photos. So my bc was dejavu, and the feelings that came along with it...you're a little less pretty, a little less girly, without big hair. That got me thinking of the contribution hair has to a woman's beauty. We'd obviously have to first define beau...

Last week I had a blast at youth sharing with them something I think is very important for young men to understand. Yep, men. No, I'm not a man and I don't desire to be one. But yes I have stuff for men; well God does, so don't shoot the messenger. On the basis on Genesis 2, we were exploring certain things that make one unprepared for marriage. Each point started with "you're not ready when", we'll do the same here. So here we go: you're not when... 1. You don't have a job! God gave Adam work before He gave him a wife (read Gen 2:15). You can be as spiritual as you want but you will not escape the fact that this world works with money, and if you don't have any, you just don't qualify for the position of husband, hayi kabi. The role of 'husband' needs you to be financially equipped; starting a family calls from you financially as much as it does psychologically. Jacob worked his seven years and Boaz had his fields, so until y...

I attended my youngest sister's prize-giving ceremony (they call it 'merit function' now) last night. It's exactly ten years since I've left so I was expecting some change, ten years is a long time,I could have gotten married and had babies in that time. Could have. To my disappointment, nothing much had changed. In our years, it was abit acceptable and understandable that the school was still adjusting to being bilingual,   but not today. The only English in all the speeches and presentations prior the handing out of the awards was in the quotes of the opening speech. Two quotes! Then there's the program. The only English there is the title of the event and the instructions, die res van die program is in die boer se taal. I'm not being offensive nor defensive, believe me you, I am fully aware of the challenges of mixed languages (and the cultures that come along with them.) I had heard how the junior phase parents of the English  medium had done wrong ...

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going." I've always misunderstood this saying. I thought 'the tough get going' meant that they vacated the situation. Of course it didn't make any sense because tough people stick it out, they don't retreat in cowardice, so I always concluded that it was just one of those English things that I'd probably have to take a tertiary course in the language to fully comprehend. I recently looked it up (at the Google University of the Universe) and found that the saying relies on a difficult play on words. The first 'going' is a noun, referring to the situation or environment; whereas the second 'going' is a verb (because of the 'get' before it), it refers to the action of starting or becoming engaged. Another play is with the word 'tough': the first one is an adjective, describing the difficulty or hardness of the noun (going - situation); while the second 'tough' is a noun, ...

Twenty3 almost spoke me out of my destiny. She revealed flaws long concealed by effort and growth; She unearthed the decomposed corpse of who I am, who I was; She hurt anew hurts that had scared, she made them cry blood afresh. She nearly killed me. She tried to convince me that I was the wrong I'd given into, Tried to make me believe my identity was redefined, altered, flawed by my frailties. She threatened to tell the world my downfall, said it'd be better if I walked away. She nearly had me. But then He reminded me of His mercies, made new every morning; His unending, unfinishable love, for which I am not consumed. He told me my identity and destiny could not be divorced, that they were eternal, that the call was irrevocable. He revived me, gave me direction and awoke my hope. She said I had lost, 'why bother?'; He said He repays the years the locusts have eaten. She said I was too weak; He said His strength is made perfect in weakness. She said I was beyond re...

So I received my first traffic fine in two years of driving this month. I didn't jump a red light, or halt at a stop sign, nor did I exceed the speed limit, or forget my license,  and there was no fault in my car when examined (thank God). I got a five hundred rand fine for driving without an emergency triangle in my car. Five hundred rand for a shape! I had so many thoughts parading through my mind, but I kept them to myself and concluded I'd head to court with dad after this. You see, thing is, I always get picked on by these traffic people. I don't know if it's the car, or just me; I'm starting to think it's both. The car because  Bruno celebrated his 20th birthday this year (a living testimony that what doesn't break you makes you stronger, haha). I'll be following BMW's and Audi's with Merc's and Chev's behind me and miraculously get picked out of the lot. Me because even though I'm growing older soon, my appearance (especially...

I had the privilege of ministering to high school students yesterday morning. I'm no evangelist, nor am I a preacher, in fact my gift doesn't seem fitting for outreaches, but boy do I get a kick out of them. I don't know what God did there, I'm just glad he did it because there's nothing that fulfills me more than sharing the gospel of Jesus with the world, especially the 'youngins'. The message God laid in my heart was about time. Of course I went to Ecclesiastes 3, but I only went as far as verse 1 and had a handful to understand. " There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven ;" Ecc. 3:1 What had me here is the fact that there's a time for EVERYTHING, which means one needs to have the ability to tell what time it is and what activity is suitable for such a time. The ability to tell time is an acquired skill. Just like how we were taught to read time off clocks in primary school, one needs to be taught how t...

Being a young pastor has its challenges. One of them is the way people receive you. Being young, you haven't gone through half the things your audience or congregation has been through and at times it's a struggle for them to have confidence in the things you say, especially if it concerns things like marriage and child-rearing. It's hard for them to trust your guidance and counsel when they consider your  façade and very short list of experience. Sometimes I can't blame them, people made the same mistake with Jesus. "So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now!" 2 Corinthians 5:16 (NLT) I was getting ready to minister at a funeral and my mind was busy telling me the difficulty I'd have because I couldn't relate to the situation. I have both parents and all my siblings are alive and well; all I've lost are grandparents, a few a...

Not to long ago my pastor preached an insanely amazing sermon addressing why blood was needed where sin was committed. In one of his points, he explained why it is difficult for us to forgive. He said that because we are like God, it is difficult for us to forgive where no restitution has been made (see Leviticus 24:17-21). He went on to say 'but there is a problem because man does not have the ability to produce a restitution valuable enough, equivalent to the pain they've caused, hence God calls us to forgive on the basis of the restitution made by His Son's blood, to forgive because we're forgiven.' Like every sermon, it sounded great hearing it, but the crappy part was actually doing it, and this week was just about that. We had our annual kids  camp this week and having organized it for the 5th time this year, I was confident about all my plans and arrangements. So when we arrived at this year's campsite I expected everything to be as arranged no stress. ...

We're all familiar with the parable of the talents (currency not gifts) in Matthew 25. I was reading through it seeking a certain portion of it and when I found it, I was pleased it said what I had thought it said and off I went. Two days later, we opened up the same text during service and bam! I saw something in that verse I hadn't seen two days before or ever before because, like I said earlier, we're all familiar with that parable. Verse 29 is that verse that jumped out at me. "For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him." That last sentence is the one that struck me. How can you take something from someone who doesn't have anything? Read that verse again. The thing is, this person does have, that's why there's something to take, but he considers what he has to be nothing. I immediately thought of the widow that needed help with her debts. When asked what s...

I was soaking up every word as my pastor passionately preached on Sunday morning, feeling so alive because the Word is one thing that puts sparks in my eyes; just listening to it being broken down excites me. As I sat listening, this question was impressed in my heart : "Can I trust you to stick it out in the dark room, when the spot light isn't on you?" I didn't make much of it then, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. Back in the day before digital cameras, we had cameras that captured images on a film. This film would have to be developed into  negatives necessary for printing in a darkroom. Why a dark room? Because the film is light sensitive. How is it developed? By using a series of chemicals. Two things stand out for me, development, taking place in the dark. Once the negatives are obtained, they are placed on an enlarger and printed onto paper, still in the darkroom (now with the presence of a red safe light). So the film steps int...

I'm near the end of Elizabeth Noble's first novel, The Reading Group and I'm gripped. It was challenge breaking off to write this post. It's the second time I read a  novel she wrote, and this, like the previous one (Things I Want My Daughters To Know), has the relationship between mothers and their children at its core. Much of it made me think of my relationship with my mother. I spend most of my time around my dad, evident in my previous posts and pretty much every time I open my mouth. Dad is the loud one in their wonderfully balanced marriage. Not that mom is quiet, but unlike dad, she'll never force you into conversation, into getting over your sour self and taking a ride to town with him. Dad is the one I have alot in common with; music, theological subjects, adventures etc. I stayed three months with him while mom was away after delivering my first sister born at 27 weeks. At 7, I took my first road trip with him on his 1981 Honda Classic Goldwing 1000CC m...

I used to scrapbook. I made collages using photos from events, celebrating my achievements, like my graduation collage. I also made collages about the future, centered around my dreams for the future, like my "home" collage which has an armateur's plan of the mansion I'd like to live in one day. I remembered my scrapbook today because of a "goals" collage I have in it. I remembered it because I took a step towards one of those goals recently. I then dug it up and went through it, intrigued by the futuristic ones. I was bothered by the fact that I haven't added anything to my  scrapbook in almost three years. This means I'm not dreaming, right? Well not really. I'm that type of person who can't go on to something else having not completed what I was busy with. So I felt it would be dumb to keep adding goals while still having not achieved the already existing ones. But I'm starting to think life works differently. That goal I was talki...

On this WCW (that's Woman Crush Wednesday to my older readers), I'm crushing on my friend Gracious. She always brings so much depth every time she hits the pulpit that it's almost impossible to take notes, let alone interpreting for her. So I challenged her to write up a post for me, maybe then I would be able to take up everything in one seating without having to buy a DVD (we're saving in all ways since the Rand is taking a beating). So here we go, hush everything around you and drink from this cistern God has blessed us with (oh and grab a dictionary, I don't know how she accumulated such a rich vocabulary). Enjoy! I was taking a walk the other day as I usually do to clear my mind. I wandered into an internal stocktaking moment of my life. The more I counted, the more I realized that I had come a long way even though I wasn't where I wanted to be. I also realized that I was in a bind, having reached the maximum of this season. Every solution I came up with ...

In acknowledgment of Women's Month, I spent this month having girl talks with the girls at the Orphans & Vulnerable Children (OVC) Centre I run Bible Study sessions at on Fridays. Of course the boys complained that I didn't do anything for them in July, I can't be blamed for forgetting, nobody makes a fuss about Men's Month, lol. (Next year it is boys). Anyway, I was so amazed at how the things I spoke with them spoke so much to me at the same time. I was also amazed at the amount of women the Bible features and how much they can teach us women of this age. However, today I told them about a woman who isn't in the Bible but one who has made the Bible's story of grace come to life in so many ways. Sarah Jakes-Roberts. I fell in love with her after I read her mind-blowing memoir, Lost & Found. I told the girls about her story to bring across a point that was burning in my heart all morning: don't write yourself off. It's been a year since I re...

Where do we draw the line with pet names? I'm one who has a serious problem with pet names. I'm not talking about nick names, I'm cool with those (I've acquired a whole lot of them in my lifetime), but I have a hard time swallowing once you suddenly  address me as "dear". Not in the adjective, "dear pastor" "dear neighbor" are completely fine. But the word as a noun is something else. Even worse if you insert the pronoun "my" before it; I shrink. I'm often labeled as 'fussy' or 'rigid' for it, but I really think we need to consider a few things when it comes to pet names. Familiarity. Pet names are used, or well are supposed to be used by people who are familiar with each other. Oxforddictionaries.com defines 'pet name' as a name that is used instead of someone’s usual first name to express fondness or familiarity. For that reason, I can't just meet you and now you call me "girl", no mat...

I read an amazing quote by Donnie Petty recently: "Come as you are, leave as He is." It's a simple statement but it's loaded with the things God's presence is able to achieve for those who draw near to him. God's love is so able that it doesn't require me to clothe myself with anything when I approach Him. He knows that there's nothing in me that is a weakness that His love can't handle. And that's the power of love, its ability to embrace one as one is and thereafter catalyze change. 'Strong' love does not require one to change before it can embrace you. It takes me in as I am then challenges and empowers me to change for the better. This then means my in/ability to accept another's imperfections is a reflection of the strength of my love. Many times you'll find that we want people to change into what we like and approve of in order for them to qualify for our love; our love is weak. God loved liars and murderers, prostitutes...

I spent the weekend with my father and his brother's family in KZN . I hadn't been to my father's childhood village in almost 6 years, and to say things have changed is an understatement. Firstly, I wasn't falling in and out of sleep during the seven-hour drive like I did growing up, I was the one behind the wheel. That was no problem, regardless of the sore neck and vetkoek-feet when we arrived last night; the problem was my backseat-driver father. The power of the Holy Spirit and my fear of public transport is the only reason I didn't leave Bruno by the side of the road and hitch-hike home. I fully understood Ephesians 6:4 when it instructed fathers not to exasperate their children (although I wasn't sure I understood what 'exasperate' meant but I was certain it was what I felt). When he fell asleep in the last mile on our way home, my heart was touched and appreciative of his presence. Sure it wasn't nice being told what to do when I knew wha...

Today I rearranged my room. I was making my bed when I thought the bedding looked boring, from there the whole setting seemed old, so I decided to change it. The decision to change it was easy because I had an idea what I wanted to change it into. I knew where I'd move the bed and chest of drawers and what color bedding and curtains I wanted up. At 2pm I was still up in arms shifting and sweeping, putting in place and hanging up. My flu symptoms were making a return, obviously invited by the washing of windows in the wind earlier on in the day. I was hungry, tired and feeling sick, I regretted my decision. I wanted to quit but problem was the room was still in the process, it was a mess in fact. If I left it as is, I wouldn't have enough room on my bed to sleep, my neighbors would see through into my room cause the curtains weren't up and I wouldn't be able to watch my favorite tv programs because I hadn't connected the telly yet. So I had no choice but to keep go...

She. Shhhh. The silent he. Formed in silent darkness as he lay asleep. From his side; his bone, his flesh, his own, yet another. Another, the womb-man. She. Shhhh. Silenced because of her fault, her naivety, her gullibility that lead her to pursuing what she already was; like God, made in His image. Silenced by her penalty, the periodic pain and flow that seized her body, defiling her, disqualifying her. Silent until she had to fight for herself. Fighting to see the realization of the promise; the manifestation of the seed that would be hers, the seed that would crush the enemy, that would still the voice of the critics, the shouts of the religious sects, the nagging of the cultural clique. She fought her way into history, sacrificing her dignity, called a prostitute, all so she could have what was rightfully hers, a seed. She fought against strong prejudices and judged, lead a nation and guided an army, while another She killed the enemy with a tent peg. She fought b...

I'm an emotional person. Okay, maybe over-emotional at times (I blame it on the hormones, lol). I feel alot, I feel too much, I feel more than I should. Sometimes I feel so much that people can't relate or understand, and sometimes even I can't make sense of my emotions. Generally, we are discouraged from feeling, we are encouraged to be more logical than emotional, and I agree. As the saying goes, "follow your heart, but take your head with you." Where I don't agree is when one is made to feel weak and inferior because they feel (in a way that other people think is unnecessary). It is then comforting to see emotions all over the Bible, there's even an entire book only centered around crying. There are many Bible characters who felt "too much", and nope, they were not all women. Take Elijah for example, who felt too much fear. The great prophet who controlled the weather with his prayers, the one who called fire on water, the one who raised t...

I'm a runner. I left a university just after the first years' camp because it reminded me of High school, too Afrikaans. I left studying full time two years into my degree because I was no different from a part time student, and I hated living in a commune. I quit my honors degree because I felt my lecturer refused to understand me when I struggled with an assignment. I'm a runner. If something isn't working for me, I walk away. I don't do well with persevering, I hate and avoid conflict. If you want to fight with me you're going to fight alone, I prefer simply walking away, sometimes with no explanations even, because I stink at that too, explaining how I feel. But I'm learning in the most painful way that adulting isn't for runners. Adulting sits you down and grounds your itching feet, it tells you to get over your emotions and face a new day, it tells you about things you need to pay and a job you're supposed to do no matter how you feel about i...

Love. The anchor when storms do rage. The North Star when darkness falls on me. The life-line when the ground I stand on proves to be sinking sand. The sword which fights my battles, the one that slits the throat and stills the voice of my enemy; insecurity. Love. The loud, louder, loudest voice in my head out of the many that attempt to convince me that I'm finally loosing it. Love. The thread that holds me together when I'm falling apart; The glue that puts together the many broken pieces of me. Love. That carries me when I can no longer walk, That understands when words fail me to talk, That lends an ear when my thoughts I can no longer contain, That gives a hand when I can no longer stand. Love. I see you. In the silent stare of my father, In the soft touch of a mother, In the sweet gesture of a friend, And in the whispered words of my lover. I see you Love. Present in every minute of my life through the gifts you've blessed me with. And when they are gone, I'...

My current read is one totally out of the genres I usually go for. I would never have read it had it not been a friend of mine who is always challenging my thinking about money. For a long time I just ran away from his thought-provoking questions, well because of what I know the Bible teaches about the love of money. But I soon realised that the Bible neither teaches the fear of money, rather the fear of God, which then means revering him in the way I gain and use money. I'm reading a book by Robert Kiyosaki titled Rich Dad Poor Dad. There are many things he teaches, some I don't agree with, but some are very practical and really get you thinking. Having done accounting in school, I was sceptical when he explained that he defined assets differently from the norm. But as I read on, I came to understand what he meant. It's simple really, a true asset puts money in my pocket, everything else is either a liability or an expense. He challenged the way we normally think of asse...